Things to do before I die – assist a woman give birth. Certainly was not in my list of to-dos but who am I to say, yes? I was the birth companion or ‘doula’ to my brother -in-law’s wife, Nana and for this, I feel truly blessed and proud. For the life of me, I would never have thought that I was going to witness a ‘live show’ of a pregnant woman giving birth, in my own house, further more , the courage to assist her.
It all started when I had a successful homebirth myself. Both Nana and I were so into hypnobirthing especially after I went to Wai Han’s classes. There would be endless sharing and discussions on the topic whenever we meet. Whatever I learned at Wai Han’s class, I’d extend it to Nana later. Nana was already a hypnobirthing believer herself as she used the method to birth her first child, Nia. So she was more ahead than I was, especially on Marie Mongan’s popular book.
After my homebirth using the hypnobirthing techniques, I was totally psyched up to tell or rather convert every pregnant person to , first, use hypnobirthing techniques, and second, have a homebirth! I knew for sure that I was casually influencing or rather, coaxing Nana to do the same and she certainly had no issues about having a homebirth herself. Nana was even more convinced upon seeing how my husband and I managed our homebirth without any complications. She was still unsure about the idea when one day, during our usual birth chats at MIL’s house, I just exclaimed to her,
“Nana, just do a homebirth! Just go for it-lah! I can be your doula!”
Instantly, her face lit up and said, “ Are you sure? … OK!”. At the time, I was not even really thinking. Only later that night that it dawned upon me, “Can I really do this?”. I must confess. I had so many thoughts in my head then , ie “Will I faint upon seeing blood?” or “Can I be a reliable coach to Nana?”. I was not nervous or anything, just a bit unsure of my skills as I am not a qualified doula or birth companion. My aim was to support Nana with my own knowledge and experience of a natural homebirth. As Nana’s EDD approached, I told her “Make sure you talk to baby to come out before Aunty Fiza starts work, so that she can help being doula!”. My two months maternity leave was about to end when God answered Nana’s prayers. She birthed her baby on a Saturday and I had to report for work the following Monday! God bless! I cast aside my feelings of awkwardness towards the impending birth and I remembered telling myself “Just go with the flow, babe. Just go with the flow..”.
When Nana arrived at our house that Saturday midnight, I instantly knew she was having strong surges as she would shut her eyes and let out a slow but very recognizable moan. Her body would become still and her breathing very laboured, from the surges – all too familiar feeling. I knew from experience that I needed to be as gentle as possible to Nana as I led her to the ‘birthing room’ , that is the ground floor bed room, to prepare herself. I prevented myself from talking to her when she was experiencing the surges. Although Nana was in control of herself, I still assisted by telling her to breathe and relax because that was what I remembered and appreciated acutely from my birthing companions during my own homebirth. Nana wore a shirt which was slightly short so I suggested her to wear one of my husband’s old work shirt that passed her hips. This was practical to protect her modesty a bit as there would be some picture-taking of the birth. Nana’s husband did a great job in faithfully applying the light touches on Nana’s back and encouraging her softly at the same time. ( Go to Nana's home birth story of Tia Ayesha)
Somehow, in between Nana’s surges, we managed to set the stage for the birthing of Tia Ayesha. We had the plastic table cloth laid out on the foam mattress on the bedroom floor and the lavender oil incense burning nearby. My husband conveniently played Marie Mongan’s affirmations on the laptop. AT times, I would head upstairs to let Nana and her husband be alone together. I had to check on my Andy anyways. I had just nursed Andy upstairs and was on my way down when I suddenly heard Nana’s loud cry of agony. I saw my brother-in-law ran across the living room to get me and upon seeing me, said “Water bag’s burst”. I quickly went to Nana’s side and told her to assume a comfortable birth position because she might not want or be able to budge from that position till the end of the show. Nana was moaning harder than usual by then and I quickly send a message to Wai Han, to which she replied, “Apply counter pressure on lower back and do birth breathing”. OK. Did I panic? No, I did not actually. I was feeling very relaxed and super-calm as I coached Nana to do the birth breathing. I still am amazed at myself whenever I think about it. Nana was kneeling against the bed and most of her upper body was supported on the bed . She had her knees rested on the foam mattress on the floor. I looked at the wall clock. 2 am. Right, she will birth Tia by 3am, I told myself. Nana moaned softly as the surges came and went. Whenever this happened, I applied the counter pressure on her lower back. Basically, I pressed both my palms down and hard on her back, stroking her up and down. I remembered this from Wai Han who did the same to me when I birthed my baby in my bedroom. This really helped elevate the intensity of the surges. Initially, I was kneeling behind Nana but soon my knees got tired, so I changed position and sat next to her on the bed. All the while, I kept telling her to breathe deep and through the nose only. Mouth shut.
I made a point to ensure that my instructions to Nana were constant, clear and specific. A birthing mom will follow every single instruction given by her birth companion. So it was important that I gave her the right guidance through the words that I chose to say to her. I also ensured that my voice was soft and reassuring yet firm and confident. I say firm and confident because the birthing mom will sense everything she sees or hear. So if my voice was shaky as a result of nervousness, Nana might sense this and this would affect her focus as she was in her most vulnerable state and, dare I say, relied totally on me to help her birthing. I remembered how happy I felt when Wai Han instructed me to “Breathe slowly, mommy. Just breathe and relax, ok, mommy. You’re doing fine, mommy”. These words gave me a sense of direction and confidence because a one hour birthing can feel like hours to the birthing mom. Now and again, I made a point to tell Nana to breathe slowly, relax and do the ‘birth breathing’.
“Ok, deep inhale. Short pause. Then long exhale ok Nana”
“Baby’s coming down slowly now when you breathe”
“Just relax and breathe…”
I repeated this again and again when needed to keep Nana reminded. The counter pressure massage did not stop as each strong surge needed it.
I also realized that my brother-in-law was very silent when all this was going on. He was readying himself to receive the baby as he was seated behind Nana. I thought he looked quite tired as it was already close to three in the morning. On the contrary, I was totally awake and alert as I was getting really excited about it . I knew that baby was coming out when Nana suddenly said “Baby’s coming”. Feeling a renewed rush of excitement, I repeated my instructions gently and constantly to Nana. She did the birth breathing perfectly as I saw beads of perspiration on her forehead which I helped wipe. She was indeed ‘in the zone’ as she had her eyes closed most of the time. As I was doing the counter pressure, my brother-in-law suddenly became very alert. He was at Nana’s rear end he was looking at it intently. He took the camera from the table nearby and as he held the camera, I saw that his hands were shaking. Brother-in-law was nervous. Ok, time to reinforce confidence, I thought. I promptly said to both of them ,
“Ok, mommy, daddy. Tell Tia to come out soon ya. Help mommy to help you come out, Tia. Come out soon, Tia”.
and so on. Nana immediately began talking to her baby while brother-in-law tried to but I only heard a faint encouragement. OK, Tia’s papa is REALLY nervous, BIG TIME! He asked me to look at a picture he had just taken. “What is that, Kak Fiza?”. I looked at the picture and to my surprise, I saw the top of Tia’s head or rather, her hair at the opening.
Instantly, I mentioned to Nana in a soft, sing-song voice, that her baby was near and that it would be over soon!
“Wow! Ok, mommy, … we see Tia’s hair, mommy”
“She’s coming out now. Breathe deep ok mommy. Tia’s coming out now”
“Wow mommy. You’re doing it - p e r f e c t l y… Just breathe deep ok…”
“Relax and breathe deep and slow ok”
“ Don’t push ok mommy. Just relax and breathe…Take your time…”
At this point, my brother-in-law was already cupping his hands as if ready to catch a football! I was seated next to Nana on the bed, with one hand massaging her back and the other holding the camera which was in an awkward angle facing Nana’s rear end. I could not see what was happening from my angle but from the look on brother-in-law’s face, the baby was surely on its way. I remember snapping away pictures although I could not really tell if the camera was focussed correctly. In a matter of minutes, as Nana let out her final moan, I saw with my own eyes, Tia Ayesha being birthed straight into her father’s awaiting hands. I remembered hearing Nana saying ‘Alhamdulillah’ as the baby came out. Praise be to God, indeed.
What happened next was a whole buzz of activities. Tia’s cord was rather short so I instructed my brother-in-law to pass Tia in between Nana’s hips gently while I helped Nana move from her birthing position. I momentarily left Nana and brother-in-law for a private moment alone with their newborn baby while I headed upstairs to freshen up. I just felt so elated and proud of myself at the time. I just could not believe that I helped Nana birth her baby in my own house! What a wonderful, empowering feeling! I told Nana that I would come down as soon to help her birth the placenta and reminded her to use the same breathing technique if it happened without me. My husband had also heard Tia’s cry and helped make sure that everything was ok with the happy parents. Luckily, my Dina and Andy were fast asleep upstairs.
At around 4am, I went downstairs to help with the birth of the placenta. I saw my brother-in-law fast asleep on our couch in the living room and Nana was nursing Tia, although Nana looked really sleepy. Talk about birthing in the wee hours of the morning! To cut the long story short, Nana birthed her placenta at around 8am. That’s about 5 hours of waiting. I’d told her to change her position from lying down to her original birth position or even sitting up as this would allow gravity to pull placenta downwards and Nana could easily birth it. When nothing seemed to work, I suggested to her to sit on the toilet bowl just in case this would condition her mind to pass motion/urine, and henceforth birth the placenta. I called up Wai Han for advice and was told to use the remaining surges to birth the placenta. If this failed, we had to head to the hospital, which was not in the plan. When I told Nana this not-so-good-news, she looked a bit devastated. She told me that the surges were still there but very few and quite faint. I went out of the bathroom to call Wai Han again for advice, but as soon as I talked to her, I heard my brother-in-law shout from the bathroom, “Placenta’s OUT!”. I told the good news to Wai Han, who just laughed out loud. It seemed that telling the birthing mom that she would have to go to the hospital and be subjected to the doctor’s mercy was enough a scare tactic for Nana to birth her placenta! I hung up the phone and went to Nana , who was looking very happy. “ Wonderful! Ok, you need to scoop it out”, I told my brother-in-law. “Huh???”, he said and looked at me in bewilderment. “Yes, you have to scoop it out”, I said. He did not look thrilled at the thought of submerging his hands in a toilet bowl which belonged to someone else I supposed, Haha. “Ok ok, do you want me to do it?”, I asked and as quick as lightning, my brother-in-law said ‘yes’ and was grinning from ear to ear. Scaredy-cat! :D
Lifting out the placenta from the toilet bowl was not gross or anything . I think I was just unsure of scooping the huge chunk of bloody ‘meat’ out as it was simply slippery, which was why I only managed to do it after three tries. Into a small pail it went and we laid both Tia and pail down next to each other on the clean bed. The sweetheart was asleep the whole time. Such a calm baby. Later the room was cleaned thoroughly and all the bloodied towels binned as both Nana and I were too lazy to wash them later. My maid came out of her room and I saw her gagging, obviously very put off by the smell. If anyone were to ask me whether I smelled anything from the birthing, I would say not really. I did not detect any kind of smell that was too overpowering. Blood smelled like metal, of course. Nothing new. I was actually amazed at myself that I did not faint or feel icky when cleaning up all the bloody and gooey mess on the mattress and the floor.
I am still reminded of the experience every time. It is a personal achievement for me as a birth companion - to Nana and brother-in-law, which cannot be exchanged for anything. I am thankful especially to them for their confidence in me because I myself felt confident in guiding them that day. I suppose, if you are looking for a birth companion or doula, you should make sure that you feel comfortable with them and confident of their skills.
Because of the strong belief I had with my own body to do a all-natural homebirth for Andy, I closely related the sensations I felt during my homebirth and used them to help Nana in birthing Tia.
All‘s well that ends well.
A birth companion MUST-HAVES, through my eyes: *
1. Strong belief in God as the creator and mastermind of ALL things (especially that woman can give birth NATURAL LY as intended by God)
2. Sound knowledge of hypnorbirthing/gentle birthing (PRIORITY!)
(Read also the book by Rhonda Byrnes called ‘The Secret’ – to reinforce your confidence so that you don’t fear or hate anything)
3. Very high level of confidence, self-belief, patience and alertness.
4. High tolerance towards blood, mucous, pee, stool (or anything icky)belonging to the birthing mom J
5. Good heart and loving soul
6. Respect for and conformity to the birthing mom’s wishes and needs (positive ones!)
7. Giving comfort and reassurance to birthing mom –ie. massages, verbal encouragement, drinks, food etc.
*NOTE: These are only based on my experience as birth companion to my sis-in-law in a single birthing process. Other requirements may be needed as practiced by doulas worldwide.
